A Trip to Rapha Mancs

So, at the end of February a went up to Manchester for the second of the BikesandBrains (I will end up typing ‘Bikes and Brians’ at some point, no doubt) evenings after an amazing first event at Look Mum No Hands last November.

The Rapha Cycle Club is a very different venue, and has a different vibe, so I was interested to see how the original format would go. My head was thick with cold, so if you listen to the recording and find my chat bumbling off into verbal cul-de-sacs… that’s why.

I was honoured to be joined by Christine Evans, Tom Hill, and my Elite Cycling clubmate Juliet Sprake.

My bit was not dissimilar to the LMNH event – if you have listened to the Wheelsuckers Podcast and listen to the Rapha Manchester recording you’ll notice this!

Jules talked about various ‘p’ words (pause, pressure, permission) that had come up in relation to her recent cycling experience, particularly associated with track cycling and her training for National Masters Track Champs in Newport and World Masters Track Champs in Manchester during 2016.  She also described having to move on from that and rediscover what cycling meant to her.

Tom talked very openly about a period of severe depression and suicidality. He also touched on something I’ve experienced – a moment of absurdity in the midst of extreme depressive state. He described sitting by a familiar offroad trail, at the point when existence no longer had any appeal – but gathering himself briefly to acknowledge a passing walker. A re-focus, and a ‘what the hell am I doing moment’. He wrote at length in an article for the hard copy of Singletrack which was later published online. Do have a read.

One of Christine’s designs…

Christine talked about the benefits of finding a group to ride with but also how it can be very difficult when people are at different fitnesses and abilities. She described being competitive and the alarm of finding yourself at the back on hills after injury and being unable to train, and all the accompanying cognitive interference – some of the ‘potholes’ both literal and figurative. She also described her decision to start drawing after rides and kindly brought a couple of sketchbooks for everyone to look at.

I think we all touched on how cycling was a ‘medicine’ for us. A medicine that might not work 100% of the time, or even work in a predictable and consistent way. It does seem, however, to work in a way like little else. I saw a link to this article on sm a few days ago. As fervently as I feel about the benefits of cycling for mental and physical health reasons it made me think once again about the way studies are presented for popular consumption. It also made my think about all those wiry audaxer mile-eaters who’ll probably be cycling until they draw their last breath. 🙂

You can listen to recording of the evening at Rapha Manchester here . I say ‘um’ and ‘er’ a lot.

Thanks to Christine and Tom for travelling to Manchester to contribute to the evening, and especially to Jules who came up from London. Further thanks go to Holly and Dean at Rapha Manchester for hosting the event – I’d love to return in a little while as you suggested! Finally, a nod to my friend James Lyon who started the ball rolling to facilitate the event.

You can find my fellow contributors here:

Christine: twitter / website / instagram

Jules: twitter

Tom: twitter / website / instagram




Guest Post 2: Lesley Pinder

Another guest contribution. This time from a clubmate and friend of mine, Lesley Pinder. You can find her on Twitter under the handle @Skipinder and there are more thoughts on stepping back from racing, and injuries, on her blog here. Here she ponders ways to deal with stress, and has a few thoughts re work and life after reading Alex Soojung-Kim Pang’s book, Rest. SS


Racing and Deep Play

I’ve written a couple of blog posts already about giving up racing my bicycle and so in some senses, this is Part 3 of a journey. When I wrote those posts I was gradually coming to terms with giving up racing and generally felt a sense of relief. The pressure I put on myself, the high (and unrealistic) expectations and disappointments led me to decide that the net impact of racing was a negative one. 2017, my first year in six not spent racing, was instead spent exploring new sports, enjoying cycling as a hobby and coaching. On paper I felt better, less stressed out about how fast (or not) I rode my bike and even a bit more holistically healthy but…. I am starting to wonder if it is not actually all that simple. While I was less stressed on the bike, during the summer of 2017 I became considerably more stressed at work. As a result of it, I have spent a lot of time pondering my mental habits and also trying out new strategies for work and for self care. Along with lots of yoga and meditation I’ve been reading more about healthy work patterns which led me to an excellent book called Rest by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang. Rest explores the relationship between work and rest and argues that the two are not mutually inclusive. With the right sort of rest, it argues, you will work better. It is an antidote to the modern obsession with busyness and the increasingly blurry lines between work and home life. I honestly can’t recommend it enough. The book journeys through different concepts including working less but in a more focussed way (four hours a day is optimal by all accounts), the power of sleep and naps (preaching to the converted here) and also the importance of taking regular time off and how you can make the very most of that time. But it is the chapter of Deep Play that made me think anew about my cycling, and specifically racing.

Deep Play happens when you are so wholly engrossed in an activity that it takes up your entire thinking brain. It is mentally absorbing, allows you to use skills you also use at work (like strategic thinking or creativity), provides a more immediate satisfaction than you may get from work and is also, in some way, linked to your past and things you did as a child.

Activities that can involve Deep Play include playing a musical instrument to a very high level, writing a novel, painting or sports that are intense both physically and mentally. The author talks a great deal in this chapter about sailing and rock climbing which are two sports disproportionately popular with people with demanding jobs that involve high levels of problem solving (scientists, designers or lawyers for example). Both sports involve physical exertion but beyond that they also involve intense mental concentration, problem solving and creativity. Physical exercise is great for both physical and mental health but often still allows space for mind wandering while Deep Play, although it may involve some of the same skills you use at work, provides a more profound break from it.

This really resonated with me. I struggle to switch off. As my partner will confirm, I rarely sit still and I am always doing twelve things at once. When I am out on a bike ride in the lovely Kent lanes I can really only do that one thing otherwise I’d crash but my mind will still wander and I’ll still ruminate over work challenges and while I can come up with some great ideas or solutions it doesn’t really switch me off. On the other hand, I used to always say that racing or race training behind a derny pacer was the most mindful thing I did. That was when I completely and utterly focused on the activity at hand. And the more I think about it, the more I realise that it wasn’t just the race itself that constituted Deep Play, it was also all the surrounding thinking, planning and preparation. Climbing, sailing and cycling are united by the need to think deeply not only while you are doing the thing but also when you are planning for the thing. On race day, and sometimes even the night before, my mind would be entirely engrossed in the event ahead… What kit and shoes will I wear? What gearing do I need on my bike? Which wheels? What will the weather be like? What food and drink will I need? Who is racing? What do I know about them? Track cycling, like sailing and climbing, can be complicated and hard to grasp but once you’re in it, the complexity deepens the level of engagement. My mind is very active at work so it makes sense that sometimes (but not always) in order to switch off from work it needs to be very active doing a different thing.

And so I wonder… while in many ways racing my bicycle had become a stressful thing no longer enjoyable in itself, did the Deep Play nature of it actually reduce stress in another part of my life? If I could approach bike racing with the patience, acceptance and self compassion I’ve been trying to nurture through meditation and yoga, could I benefit again from the complete immersion that the act of racing brings? Could I be content with being ‘okay’ at racing in return for the benefits that the act of racing can bring? Or do I need to find a new Deep Play hobby? When I was younger I found immersion in Amateur Dramatic Musicals! Maybe it’s time to get my tap shoes and jazz hands out again…



Guest Post 1: Jo McRae

I am happy to present the first guest blog post, written by the lovely Jo McRae (Twitter – @JoMcRae1) who is an exercise professional of many years. What do you do when you simply can’t ride? When injury or illness prevent you from even getting on the bike? Here Jo shares her personal experience punctuated with professional observations. SS


Taking the Piss.

Having missed the much talked about gig at Look Mum, I’m keen to keep the ball rolling in sharing some of my own brain and bike experiences via this blog. Only problem is, though this ball may be rolling, the wheels on my own bicycle are not going round and round at all. I’ve been grounded by one of the worst things a cyclist can have to deal with – an actual physical reason for not being able to ride the bike.

Like many mentalists with a therapeutic love-hate relationship with the bike, I’ve sometimes not wanted to ride the damn thing at all, the biggest hiatus being a five year divorce. Sometimes, the hurdles have been insurmountable, the pressure I put on myself too great, or the general lethargy or depression too much to swing my leg over the cross-bar. Frustratingly many of these aspects of my own mental health are rather well in check just now, so the Universe has sent me a different kind of challenge just to check I’ve really GOT IT.  Due to an ongoing bladder infection and subsequent complications, I’ve been off the bike completely for about six months now.

A chronic bladder infection sounds like nothing much I know, but this is a bona fide, albeit not too common problem that really can become pretty serious if untreated. In practice, it means daily and even hourly changes in bladder problems, pelvic and urethral pain, dysfunction and all manner of awfulness that I won’t go into here. The main symptom for me has been bladder pain, something I didn’t know you could even have, let alone would have to learn to manage for more than a year.

Helpfully the centre for anxiety in the brain is right next door to the one receiving feedback from the bladder, so needless to say, the anxiety I have been experiencing has at times been pretty much off the scale. I’ve experienced crippling anxiety before, but usually associated with no REAL cause, or rather one magnified and exacerbated by thought processes themselves. This whole experience takes moment to moment management to a whole new level, and several of my usual coping measures are currently off the table. Riding my bike would be one, and lifting heavy weights would be another. Both are, for the moment, off limits. Almost uniquely amongst the exercise options available, these two favourite things are most like to make pain and physical symptoms worse. This feels like a particularly cruel blow.

Luckily as an exercise professional myself I’m not short of movement vocabulary, so I’ve been embracing ‘BEING IN THE NOW’, and doing whatever I can on any given day to keep moving and keep healthy in both body and mind. One day that might mean having a swim. Another it might mean a light gym circuit. And one mental health technique that I’ve used in the past is really coming into its own. ‘Goal chain-ing’ is when you don’t look too far ahead, but instead prepare for an activity step by manageable step, in order to avoid being overwhelmed by the size of the challenge or floored by the disappointment of failure. You might focus on putting your exercise kit on before you decide what you’re going to do, or ride the first 15 minutes out of town before deciding if you want to go any further.

Fortunately for me I have access to several gyms, so I’m able to chop and change my activity at the drop of a hat and still get something useful done. I’ve been trying to keep my hand in a little by including short half hour/40 minute sessions on a watt bike. At least by cycling indoors I’m not in the arse end of Kent with a sudden onset of pain and no way of getting home in a hurry. I don’t want to induce pain, but some days I don’t have any problems at all so having no set goal in this instance is helpful and important, but it is hard to swallow. I like to have structure to my work-outs. Training is my business after all, but for now I just want to use exercise to stay sane. Surely that’s achievable with goal-chaining and a flexible mind set. After all, who cares if I get on a watt bike for 15 minutes only to get off and have a super comfortable row with a lubricated padded chamois.

So I’m doing my best and I’m managing, and there have even been some unexpected perks, for example I have improved my running. But what I’ve remembered the most is that I like to ride my bike. Just for the pleasure in that. And I’m looking forward to a time when I can get the wheels turning again, at whatever speed.

The Winter Meh – pt. 1

Well, I was going to make this blog post about winter grey and the urge to hibernate but I’ve got derailed a bit. I saw that Daily Mail headline via twitter and at the time I just shrugged to myself. Just another piece of shitty journalism from a rag too unsanitary to wipe your arse on.

The more I’ve thought about it the more angry I have got. Not just at the DM and all that it stands for but because this is just one of many areas around which advances have been made, stigma has been gradually broken down, and WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK are we still having to challenge these headlines and why is is even published in the first place?! The tabloids continue to discover new depths to which they can sink. Marianas Trench ain’t got nothin’ on them.

I see it partly as a symptom of the regressive era of Brexit politics where the intolerant, the right wing, the fools who would gleefully describe themselves as ‘politically incorrect’ and others have been handed implied permissions to voice those backward opinions which they’ve been clinging onto for dear life since the 1990s. For some it goes further back to civil rights and development of feminism in the 1960s and 1970s or even earlier. All the advances by out groups of various kinds, so hard fought for over the years, seem to be in danger. I am hoping that this is not the case and that when those currently in power are gone we can get back to some semblance of sanity. Worldviews can take much longer than a single generation to evolve, however. *waves placard*

Anyhooooooooo. The thing with the DM article (which I presume follows a standard model for this type of health-related tripe they churn out) is that:

  1. Happy Pills. As if they are an instant fix. Ecstasy be happy pills, not ADs.
  2. I’ve got so into my rant the water in my boiled potatoes evaporated and I think I’ve ruined a saucepan. Shit.
  3. No real attempt to consider why AD use is so high until a way down the piece, probably banking on most people not actually reading that far down – particularly online, with ads.
  4. Underfunding of NHS a glaring omission, of course.
  5. ADs are not only prescribed for depression – they can help in cases of OCD, ADHD, eating disorders… NHS info on ADs
  6. Personally, I’ve never been ‘fobbed off’ with ADs. I’ve walked out of the GP surgery with a prescription after a discussion with my doc. Yep, waiting lists for therapy can be months long. IAPT services are generally aimed at treating low-moderate anxiety and depression, ADs tend to be aimed at more severe cases.
  7. Levels of depression and anxiety tend to rise during times of financial strain. I wondered how much the political decision to impose a regime of austerity has impacted on national health over the last 8 years? The recession before that also had an impact. Re England (abstract only):  Social Science and Medicine and here’s one report from Scotland looking at austerity and the impact on patients and GP practices in deprived areas: Employability in Scotland
  8. I’ve been wondering how much tabloid reporting contributes to anxiety levels? Has any one out there come across any academic studies on the subject? Tabloid: doesn’t taste nice but easy to swallow… Tabloid – a bit on Burroughs Wellcome

If you are still here and haven’t got bored yet… yay! So how does cycling fit into all this? Well, after such a great evening at Look Mum No Hands back in November I felt particularly frustrated. There had been such a selection of articles, personal accounts, and so on around mental health – and I’m aware of how difficult it is for people to be open and honest about the subject – so it seems especially headdesky when reading something like the DM article. It’s difficult to see how it couldn’t be anything other than deliberate tabloid trolling.

(Self-interruption here – I’m planning another cycling/mh evening at Look Mum in March. If you would like to contribute please get in touch. If you are near Manchester then you might want to keep an eye to the Rapha Mancs events – planning one there in late Feb.) Aaaand, we’re back:

At times like this I do use the bike to pedal off a bit of steam, though today it was the gym that came in handy. I have been cat-sitting for a friend for the last couple of days and spent quite a lot of time drinking tea and watching telly.

This is Mo. Mo likes a crackly plastic bag.

So, yes, winter. It’s a bugger innit. I am wary of giving out advice with too much of an air of authority. I’ll say what works for me and if it’s something you haven’t tried you might want to consider it. Each to their own though – it can take a little time to work out what’s best for you though I daresay there will be plenty of overlap amongst us cyclists.

I try and get out for a ride one morning of each weekend. Usually Saturday but I check the weather and swap the days around if necessary. My ride is generally shorter in the winter too – 60k as opposed to 80-90k on average. I’m fortunate where I live in South London in that I can clear the surburbs in about 20 mins. This makes a substantial difference when dredging up motivation. I have a minimum I ride, which is up to the edge of the North Downs and back. This makes me feel like I have done *something* even when I might have initially planned to do more. Very occasionally I’ll do less even than that if I find I’m pedalling squares after half an hour.

Speaking mainly to the club cyclists here, I guess… The major activity I use to keep fitness during Oct-April period is group turbo sessions – Turbobeat Classes You can even spot my sweaty mug on the vimeo. It’s social, it’s fun, it’s a coached, quality workout that doesn’t take up all of your evening. I actually look forward to finishing work and heading over to the The Lodge at Crystal Palace Sports Centre once or twice a week. Again, I’m fortunate because it’s less than 5 mins from where I live. If I was to give advice at this point 😉 it would be to identify the nearest or easiest to get to places where you can ride or do other related exercise. At home even – lots of folk I know use Yoga with Adrienne .  There will be times when you just don’t wanna. Sometimes you can work through this because you can be fairly sure you’ll feel good afterwards but sometimes… you just can’t. I guess the practice here is to try and gives yourself the props if you do get out but try and avoid beating yourself up if you don’t.

There’ll always be another day.



Welcome to Bikes and Brains! I’ve created this blog as a result of the ‘Let’s Talk About Cycling and Mental Health event which I curated at Look Mum No Hands cycle café in London on 7th Nov. 2017 I thought it would be a good idea to provide some kind of follow up. If you want to listen to what went on during the evening you’ll find your lugholes will be so obliged over on the Wheel Suckers Podcast courtesy of Alex of LMNH and Jenni of  London Bike Kitchen

The  aim here, primarily, is to provide those who cycle and who have experiences of mental health issues with a space where they might contribute their individual stories. In between will be me offering up my own history, raising a few questions, pondering some observations. I’ll try not to get too self-indulgent…

The idea for the evening emerged, as can often be the case, after a beer or two (me) when I was attending an event at the venue in July where the US racer Ayesha McGowan was speaking to blogger Jools Walker. Jenni Gwiazdowski of London Bike Kitchen was there on podcast duties and I also chatted to Alex Davis who is a stalwart of LMNH team. Ayesha touched on the subject of anxiety in relation to racing – it galvanised my desire to explore the link between cycling/cyclists and mental health (depression and anxiety for the most part). Lots of emailing ensued and by October we had finally arranged the evening. We had such great feedback from the event that I thought it was important to try and keep some momentum going.

I’m planning to arrange another London evening in March and there are plans a-foot for a similar event before that in Manchester in the second half of February. Bristol is another area I would like to investigate putting on an event.


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